It’s coming to three months since I finished active treatment and as I’m about to change things up radically, I thought I should do a check in of where I am right now. My personality is coming back and is both the blessing and the curse it has always been. Obsessive, diligent planning is assisting … Continue reading Pulse Check
I beat my fists against the walls of my world, but it is futile. They continue to close in on me as the lines between by brows deepen and my clenched jaw aches. I am trapped. Trapped in this city, this medical system, this illness, this mind. I am furious. I am beaten. I am … Continue reading Fury
Three tears slid down my right cheek to pool on my chin before continuing down my throat to where my breast used to be. I held one hand on my heart and the other on my stomach as my yoga instructor told us our stomach is our core and knows the truth. What is it … Continue reading Obsession
As I sat for the 6pm dinner, watching an ancient man being fed by a nurse, I realised that there had been a serious misunderstanding. Months ago I had found a brochure in a waiting room that sang to me of hope, a German rehabilitation centre for cancer survivors in their 30s and 40s. My … Continue reading Rehab…rewhat?
I swam 1000 metres today! I needed it because I am moody as fuck. I keep wondering if it’s my hormone therapy kicking in, but I have the vague suspicion that it’s just life. I had a gastroscopy on Wednesday which is always awful even if the results were good. And I really hurt my … Continue reading Moody AF
I am a unicorn I was devastated when I found out I needed a mastectomy, even more so when I was told it would be unilateral and reconstruction would be delayed at least six months. One of the first things I did was scour the internet for what I would look like with one breast. … Continue reading What does a uni look like? (clothed)
My love/hate relationship with running started ten years ago when, as a bit of a big talker, I told my manager that I could whip his ass in a half marathon and he called my bluff and got me to sign up for one. I may talk before I think, but I am also a … Continue reading Buddha belly running
Five years ago, on a ski course, I walked into a guesthouse restaurant to see a man grinning awkwardly. I grinned awkwardly back and made a new best friend. Five minutes later his wife walked in and then there were three. We shared a passion for restaurants, travelling to new places, smutty jokes, ridiculous challenges, … Continue reading Swimming in Sweden
The water tower through the cornfieldsEpiphaniesSitting by the frog pond with a visitor The water tower. My goal. My nemesis. I moved apartments as treatment began; to one with a lift, a second bedroom for carers and big windows for my sanity during the long winter days of sickness. Soon after moving in, Suzanne introduced … Continue reading What if I am cured?
Swimming with Suzanne Well of course my first swim had to be with Suzanne. When I moved to Luxembourg, there was this brief, sweet moment when I was waiting for my visa to be finalised before I could start working. I set up my new apartment, explored my new home, joined a stack of social … Continue reading Swimming with Suzanne