I beat my fists against the walls of my world, but it is futile. They continue to close in on me as the lines between by brows deepen and my clenched jaw aches.
I am trapped. Trapped in this city, this medical system, this illness, this mind.
I am furious. I am beaten. I am frustrated.
And I am lonely.
As my world shrinks and my anger flares, I isolate myself further. Encouraging the natural isolation borne of prolonged illness, as the offers of assistance and cheer dry up and life moves on for everyone else. Soon they will forget all about me. Yet I am trapped here in my illness and in my mind and in my frustration. Stasis.
I engage in new activities and I make new acquaintances, but it is fraught with worry as I question how to proceed. Do I confess to my illness? And if so, when? I relish the anonymity, relationships unencumbered by pity or awkwardness. But I panic about what withholding this information will do. And I fret about what admitting it would do.
And the jealousy burns. It sits like a wound in my jaw and tightens me. It helps no one but it clings to me, unwanted.
I have watched as others have travelled, been promoted, fallen in love, moved, danced, swum and run, fallen out of love, hiked, explored and had adventures.
I have watched as they moved around the world with health and joy and the ignorance of not having to face their own mortality too soon.
And I resent them.
My nostrils contract, my brow becomes a mess of lines and my throat constrains.
Stasis. No, not stasis. I’ve actively deteriorated.
I am bound by my illness. I have been ugly and am still unhealthy and disfigured, my body and my mind have been weakened, I know not if it’s irreversible. My innocence has been taken. And I am jealous.
I hate who I am for my jealousy, my bitterness, my poison. I wish no ill will, but I ache for the person I was before this cruel disease ravaged me.
I need to escape. This city, this illness, me.
It is coming. I pray that change will release me of this poison.
Distance swum since last post: 5.1km
Distance swum to date: 18.3km
Distance to go: 181.7km