Moody AF

I swam 1000 metres today!

I needed it because I am moody as fuck. I keep wondering if it’s my hormone therapy kicking in, but I have the vague suspicion that it’s just life.

I had a gastroscopy on Wednesday which is always awful even if the results were good. And I really hurt my chest on Thursday. I have no idea what I did but for the next couple of days I felt like my chest had been crushed. Fortunately I have a good physio who was able to help me, but I panicked, seeing a potential future of chronic pain.

I’m worried about hormone therapy, I have my second Zolodex injection tomorrow to continue suppressing my ovaries and then I start aromatase inhibitors, Aromasin. I’ve read so many bad stories about the side effects of hormone therapy that it’s hard not to stress.

My good friend had a heart attack while in the US, he and Suzanne (his wife) haven’t been able to fly back yet and I feel impotent.

My close friend, Ally, is leaving Luxembourg for a job in Amsterdam.

I go to rehabilitation on Wednesday, I’m not sure what it is or how it works or if I’m there for one week or four. I’m freaking out about what happens and if I’ll meet anyone and how much of a big deal it will be that I don’t speak French.

And I can’t remember anything. I don’t know if chemo brain is getting worse or I’m more aware of it now.

I’m lonely, isolated and a bit bored, but still so tired and disinterested in everything. I have a constant headache and I’m not sleeping well.

All in all, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I know that life is also sweet. I talk to my parents regularly, I had a lovely dinner with Ally with awesome pisco sours, Francisco cooked me brunch on the weekend, I’m swimming again, I took myself out for lunch after my swim and it was so lovely this afternoon that so I went for a long walk by the river. 

It was beautiful by the river, dappled sunlight, crazy ducks, noisy canoes, I love walking down there amongst the trees, and when I thought I had gone too far I realised that I wasn’t in a rush and started resting on every park bench I saw, even if I did walk so long that I had to pee behind a tree along the way.

Why do I constantly feel on the verge of tears?

Distance swum since last post: 1.0km
Distance swum to date: 3.3km
Distance to go: 196.7km

One thought on “Moody AF

  1. You’re doing great even if some days are harder than others. As a fellow ex-pat I can relate to you feeling of isolation and at the same time wanting to be by yourself for a bit.
    Keep up the blog, it’s really inspiring.
    More important – pat yourself on the shoulder, because a 1km is not an easy swim.


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